Foot In Mouth

For the first time in the two years, I got lax in my blogging. I forgot that this is a very public place and just because someone doesn’t comment, doesn’t mean they don’t know about it.

So what now? I’m not ready to take it back because I meant what I said, but it’s making my chest hurt to think that I involuntarily hurt someone else with my words.

Even now I find myself clutching at my throat so I might stop feeling like my pulse is going to jump right out and spill my blood all over the floor. Dramatic? Yeah, a bit. But that’s me.

And there’s where the real question lies- what level of censorship is required to maintain an online site? I have, until now, been ultra-conscious to avoid talking about people I maintain current contact with. I slipped, and it caught me and I feel like hell for it. I never talk about work here. I may make vague references to what I do for a living, but I don’t discuss it. I know that my name- first and last- is attached to this and it’s not worth my job over. Besides the fact that my job just isn’t that interesting.

Where do you draw the line?

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9 thoughts on “Foot In Mouth

  1. If I could fucking stop crying I would have the BALLS to call you or email you or something but I think I have ruined what we had left of anything, however small and tenuous it may have been. I am so fucking embarassed and upset and horrified I don’t know what to do. DON’T YOU DARE censor yourself, you have every right to vent on here, this is YOUR space, not mine. I hate that I feel like I am at the very least a decent person, and then someone feels that way about me. How many other people feel these things about me? That I am self-centered, wasted, rotten, cynical, and cruel.That I just plain suck. I wasn’t spying. I know I ruined us, and I just wanted to peek into your words and see how you were doing. Don’t take it back. It’s yours.

  2. K- Okay. Can’t get ahold of you. If you want to do this here- we’ll do it here. Not self-centered, not wasted, rotten, cynical or cruel. And I never thought you were spying- you have every right to read public words as anyone else.

    It’s not ruined if you let me get ahold of you so we can TALK.

    Gah.

  3. Yeah, this is your space, Courtney. You post whatever you want.

    It’s interesting that this came up now because I was just thinking about it the other day. I was going to work on a way to create a discussion about this stuff. You know, who reads your blog, do you consider that when posting, are you entirely honest or are you inhibited knowing that someone who won’t like what you’re saying may read it and be upset?

    Myself, I’m pretty straightforward about a lot. I’d say the only things that are off limits to me are really personal issues. Not necessarily between just Aaron and I, but conflicts between friends and family members, although, if I could spin it in a way that I found satisfactory, I’d do it in a heart beat.

    I know that I have all kinds of readers who never comment. Some of them are surfers, but quite a few others are people who I know personally, a LOT of co-workers. I can’t make everyone happy, nor do I want to, but, like you Courtney, I don’t intend to hurt anyone. Hopefully, I haven’t.

    I read the initial post that prompted this and I have to say, I don’t get what the big deal is. Of course, no one wants to see themselves mentioned in a less than glowing light publicly, but the fall out just smacks of drama to me.

    I hope I didn’t go way off your topic. Well, I did, but I hope it wasn’t unwelcome. Maybe I should still work on a post of my own.

  4. I know my brother-in-law, boyfriend and my second “mom” read my blog. But it’s still pretty wide open, I mean, it’s my space and it’s nothing I wouldn’t say to any of the three to their faces! And that’s how I censor myself. Is this something I could say to Mom’s face? No? Then it goes in the paper and pen journal. Yes? Blog it.

    Hope you work it out with K.

  5. Uhm… okay. I am brought back to earlier this last year and the whole DRAMA that we were all a part of. Do you remember that? Do you remember what I kept saying the entire time?

    Honey, it’s YOUR blog. Yours alone. No one elses… I know you very well, and I know that you never intentionally say things to hurt people. I know that when it comes to writing, sometimes it’s the ONLY way for you to express how you feel. You’re just not into doing it any other way. So why let someone (anyone, I don’t care who it is) take that away from you? Why?

    I agree with Carly, the original post was your opinion, and no big deal. You’re intitled to it. Maybe there’s some guilt that K is feeling and that’s the real issue… not what you said. And honey, that’s definately not your issue.

    I’m here if you need to talk about it. I love you.

  6. While I have been the epitome of a bad friend for quite some time now, the only thing this drama “smacks” of is embarassment and resentment for not holding you up as high as I should have all these years. And yes people, YEARS. It’s possible that I have known Courtney longer than most of you. While that doesn’t mean I have been any better to her, it DOES mean that the river is deeper, and this “drama” is a deep, deep cry of loss. And embarassment. And resentment. Pardon my words, I am here at work, bent over a computer, UNPAID, UNFED and very pissed off. I wish I could hug you. And stick my tongue out at all of your friends. And promise to never mention J ever again. (It’s possible that you don’t have my telephone number, that’s why you couldn’t reach me last night. But do you even want to? I gleaned that we were done. Well, that you were done with me.)

  7. I’m not really sure where this initial post is or what it was about, but I haven’t read anything on your blog that I find to be objectionable or outright mean…but then again, you weren’t talking about me, so I could be biased if you know what I mean.

    Anyway, I do think it’s your blog and you can say what you want to say.

    I know that I’ve had to restrain what I say a few times because I knew someone would be reading my blog. And that stinks because really, I should be able to be completely honest with that person (case in point, my horrible wedding experience).

    I’m here for you Court if you need to talk…even in email. I miss talking with you!!

  8. Okay. Where to start.

    Carly- Thank you. You actually stayed very much on topic and your opinion is valuable to me- many emails later you must know that by now.

    Sherry- I just forget that sometimes. And K and I have had this discussion before so I’m not sure how much of it was new, but I can’t dispute the fact that is likely a very unpleasant surprise to come across. I know I’d be surprised- not for the better- to come across an unfavorable post about me on the big bad internet.

    Megs- K and I do have a lot of history and a lot of that is what we need to work out… and we’ve been friends long enough that if she’s willing to talk to me and *really* talk to me- then I’m not averse to making amends and moving on. We have a complicated history, that’s for sure.

    K- I don’t want to beg. Will you please let me get ahold of you in private? I have your Bellingham phone number, I don’t have an update from when you moved to Seattle a few months ago. You know my MySpace, you know my email. Can we talk? (Ha, ironically, as this is still in draft form, you just got ahold of me on MySpace. Okay then.)

    Toni- I think a lot of it is because K was the subject of the post that makes it that much more different and/or difficult to read. And I think perhaps the comments were worse because I was being quite blase about it and that was uncalled for.

    We’re talking… we’re going to figure this out. Fix us or ship out or something to that effect.

    Thanks to all of you for being there and just… listening. 🙂

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