I’m one of those people that can only very rarely remember what their dreams were about. I wish I had more vivid dreams. I really believe that understanding your dreams can only bring you a deeper understanding of your own psyche. Unfortunately, the only dreams that I do seem to remember are my two recurring nightmares and I have them on a fairly regular basis.
The first I’ve had for years and years. It alters every time, but the general idea stays the same. I’m in a house with a friend. It’s a strange house, but I seem to have a decent idea of its layout. The friend that I’m with varies depending on who I’ve been spending time with recently. There are many other people in the house and they tend to be people that I hang out with semi-regularly. Sometimes they’re friends, sometimes coworkers, and sometimes just people that I see in passing often enough to remember their face in my sleep. We’re all spending time in this house, not quite a party, when another acquaintance, one I have a negative opinion of, enters. They pull out a large gun and begin shooting. My hiding places varies, but my friend and I always find someplace- behind a couch, in a closet, under a bed- where we hide in terror, hearing our loved ones fall all around us. I normally wake up sometime after the shooting ends and while I’m walking around the house, horrified by the carnage that I’m surrounded by. I’m pretty cranky when I wake up after that dream.
The second dream that comes more frequently than I’d like is one about my mother and even just thinking about it makes me tremble. My mom was a bowler, she played in a league, but it was all when I was very very young so the fact that this dream always occurs at a bowling alley is a little odd to me, but hey, what would dreams be if they weren’t a little bit odd? The other random constant is the parking lot. The parking lot is always made up of that gravel that you sometimes see in used car lots- the kind with white rocks that shimmer. I’m going out for a good evening with faceless people (completely irrelevant). My mother has passed away and this is just a normal day in the life of me. I walk into the alley and am stunned to see my mother- my supposedly dead mother- laughing and bowling with friends. I walk up to her and wrap my arms around her, but she’s very standoff-ish. She keeps looking away or toward her friends and acting like someone who has just run into someone they can barely stand. I ask if we can talk and we go outside. She hugs me and I cling to her asking her why she lied- why she left- and will she please come back? She still acts very distracted and says that it’s a long story and one that she’ll tell me, but first she has to do something. She turns to go back in and says she’ll be right back. I wait. And wait and wait. My heart races and I finally cave and go back inside where I see that she’s taken off. She left me again. I wake up.
If I never have that second dream again, I’ll be perfectly okay with it. I think the implications and meanings behind it are perfectly clear, I don’t need a dream to tell me that I miss my mother and wish desperately that she’d come back or that I don’t think sometimes, however irrationally, that she chose to leave. As if anyone would choose a death by breast cancer.
Her death by breast cancer is exactly why I’m doing this blog-off. I encourage you to go check out the remaining three contestants and wish them a huge congrats on making it as far as they have. Just one more week left! If you’re interested in participating in the second blog-off taking place during the month of July, please send me an email or leave me a comment and I’ll add you to my list of those interested. If you’ve already contacted me and I haven’t gotten back to you yet, be patient, I’m way behind!
Good luck to my final three!