One of the comments I got on my post a few posts ago was that I should talk more about myself. I kinda laughed when I read it because it’s true, I used to write a lot about me and what I was up to and my history and so on and so forth, but I haven’t – probably in the last year or more.
I started to think about it and I realized that it’s because I’m really struggling with figuring out who I am. I think this is pretty standard fare for the first year of motherhood, but that doesn’t make me feel any less isolated or unsure. I just really don’t know who COURTNEY is anymore. I’m a mom, sure. I’m a wife, yeah. I just don’t know what else I’m all about. I know that a lot of that is because Ana is my entire life these days. I wake up when she does and I play with her until she naps. When she naps I work on my household chores (uhm, yeah, or play Bingo) and then take care of her again when she wakes. I change diapers every few hours and give food and/or bottles every few hours. I may be tired at ten in the evening, but if Ana doesn’t want to sleep until midnight, well, that’s how late I’m up. My life truly revolves around her. If I want to go out without her, I have to ask permission from my husband to make sure that he’s able to be home with her. I don’t think he realizes that. He can make whatever plans he wants, but I’m dependent on him being home in order to be able to leave without an armload of baby gear plus baby. But that’s not the point of this post.
My maternity leave is up in July and I’m really torn up about what I’m going to do. I’d like to be able to say that we can afford for me to stay home and take some online courses and get a degree in something, but realistically I think I need to find a job. I know that I don’t want to go back to collections and a call center. I just don’t. I also don’t want full-time work because I don’t want to be away from Ana that long. I don’t want to miss anything. The downside to that is that I really have no marketable skills. My options? Retail or waiting tables. Oh joy.
I’d like to go back to school, but I don’t even know what for. I’ve considered medical administration so I can do dictation from home. I’ve considered web design because I love making layouts, but don’t know enough code to put them together. I could also work from home doing design work. I’ve dreamt for forever of opening a small used bookstore, but the money to put together an inventory would take way more than anything I would ever earn. Especially since I live in a city that doesn’t really read a whole lot. I have another small business idea that I’d love to run with, but again – start up is far and above any sort of fundage that I can come up with.
I just don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know who I am and I feel like I’m still sitting here saying, “When I grow up…” But I’m almost thirty. I am grown up. Shouldn’t I know what I’m doing?
My ten year high school reunion is this year and I have to admit to being very relieved that I already have plans for that weekend. I don’t want all those people that I felt inferior to even then to see the nothing that I’ve become. Which is not to diminish my role as mother – I love Ana with every fiber of my being and I would never ever want to live another day without her. She is truly my greatest accomplishment in life. But. I didn’t graduate college. I never made a career. I never did anything.
I guess I just want to be more than mom and I don’t know who that girl is. I don’t know how to find me again.