And Here’s Where I Highlight My Insecurities For The World

I’m having a lousy self-esteem day.

I am happy with my life. I do not regret the decisions that I’ve made and at no point have I wanted to go backwards.

I’m not necessarily lonely. I am, however, interested in meeting a decent guy to spend a few evenings a month with.

I feel like the most unattractive, most socially awkward piece of crap out there. I used to think that I was semi-attractive. I now think that I must not be at all. I very very rarely get any interest shown in me and when I do, it’s usually by either a horribly unattractive guy who can’t spell for shit or by the latest- a quite attractive guy who, without knowing a thing about me- not even my name- wants to know if we can be friends with benefits. I said that while I wasn’t looking for a relationship that I wasn’t so sure about the benefits part until I knew that the friends part was a fit. He responded with, “If the chemistry is there, sex buddies.”

No thanks. Which was my response.

Is that what I come across as? So desperate or easy that I’ll just go along with the first asshole who might want to sleep with me?

It makes me wonder how many similar messages he has floating out there. Gross.

I know a handful of other people on this dating site and they are all having success – maybe not finding true love, but having dates and messages and a good time with it. Even crazy can apparently find somebody. What in the world is wrong with me that I can’t even get messages to reject??

On top of that, I’m maintaining my word count in NaNoWriMo, a definite plus, but oh my god the writing is CRAP. It makes me feel gross just writing it because I KNOW good writing and this? This is not it. A huge part of me wants to just throw in the towel, but another part of me just wants to FINISH something for ONCE.

UGH. My word of the night.

I feel like garbage. I haven’t cried in weeks, but tonight I don’t know if I’ll be able to choke the tears back.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.


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