I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned on more than numerous occasions that I have a slight problem with perfectionism. I set ridiculously high standards for myself and then beat myself to hell and back when I can’t attain them.
I’m coming up to the end of my year of schooling. I should be “graduating” on November 30. I won’t be finished in time. I have to accept that there is no bloody way I can finish this blasted course by November 30. December 31 is more realistic. If I weren’t to finish by January 31, we’d have some real problems going on. Now, I can purchase an extension (bloody lot of money that I’m going to have to borrow- which I hate doing- also perfectionist related, but I digress), and that’s great and all, but I feel like a failure.
I feel like I’m letting myself down and everybody else who believed in me down by not finishing on time. I have to laugh at myself even as I write this because it’s not like I’m going to abandon the course… but if I’m honest that’s what I feel like doing with a task that I don’t complete as I expected to. I want to quit. If I don’t get 100%, I don’t want it. If I’m going to be late, I’d rather not go. It’s really an all or nothing thing for me.
I’m sitting here now and I feel like crying because I am SO close to finishing, just a few short chapters away is all, and yet I feel like throwing in the towel because I am so far behind and feel so useless for not being ready to be done by now. I look back and I ache with regret for those hours that I spent playing internet games, or organizing my thousands upon thousands of ebooks, or sleeping, or doing anything to avoid doing the homework that I should have gotten done then.
This last little bit is going to need a big push on my part. I need to suck up my hatred of loans and take what’s been offered to me (I’m grimacing as I write this because I despise being indebted to people) and I need to get this extension set up and I need to buckle down and FINISH.