The Struggle

I’ve been feeling a lot off kilter for the last 2-3 weeks. My financial problems have come to a head and it’s at a point where the ball is getting dropped left and right and things are starting to crumble. I’ve never been secretive or particularly discreet about my financial situation. Most people who know me know that I’m broke. I don’t try to play that I’m solvent, though I may downplay just how bad it is. I can’t hide the worst of it anymore. It’s come to a point where I’m in discussions with lawyers about debt options, options that include bankruptcy (although I don’t think that’s the most appropriate path for me to take right now).  

It’s left me feeling very shaky. 

I am a person who needs approval. I have an extreme dislike, a fear even, of looking anything less than composed and together and perfect. Not that anybody likes to look disheveled or inept, but my fear of it is nearly crippling. This money situation that I’m in has me feeling like I’ve failed. Combine that with the fact that I’ve had to extend my course 3 months and I’m still treading water and praying I get to the end before my extension is up (and that I had to borrow money to get the extension in the first place), and that my health has been subpar at best for the last several months and I feel like, well, like just a big ol’ hot mess.

One of my very best girlfriends talked me off a ledge last night when I had decided for whatever reason that Le Boy was going to leave me because the real me was maybe not as advertised and not what he signed up for. Now, keep in mind that I walked myself onto that ledge with nothing to go and no real legitimate reason to think that. Just my anxiety kicking into high gear. 

This is what she said to me, and I think it’s right on: 

I think somewhere along this whole new life path your priorities got all fucked up. I think you’re trying to find yourself again, and while that’s not a bad thing, I think you’ve taken on too much. So you’re feeling out of control. It’s kinda like life ADD. You’ve got all these things that you WANT to do, but not enough focus to FINISH them. You gotta get back to basics, and prioritize things.

The problem is that I have too many things that need to be priorities. My school is very high on the list – I have roughly 5 weeks to finish and probably 8 weeks of work to do. I need to be hauling ass. My health. I keep getting recurrent infections and my blood sugars are wildly out of control. I need to get my medications straightened out and back on track and I need NEED NEED to get exercising regularly again. I need to get my finances sorted to a point that I can function without picking and choosing which payments get made in any given month. These are all things that need to happen NOW and they’re all huge and daunting tasks. 

Add to that, that I still co-run a group for my daughter that meets once a week plus a few extra planning and budgeting meetings here and there that I can’t give up (nor do I want to) and that allows me to have something fun that gives me quality time with Ana. I just started a book club (I know, I KNOW I should have waited, but I didn’t want to), and I still am a girlfriend and a near full time employee and I have family and friends far away that I try to visit every month when I can. Oh, and my sister is having a baby sometime in the next 4 weeks. My life is crazy. 

I say, on a regular basis, that I want to fill my life with positivity and I want to not be negative all over Twitter and Facebook or wherever else, but every time I look at my posts, I am WHINE WHINE WHINE all over the place. I am just having a really hard time holding it all together over here. It’s this vicious cycle where I need to stop and sit back and regroup, but I lack the time or the money to do it. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is to bear with me for the next few months. I am going to try to kick my knee-jerk instinct to immediately take to Twitter when something upsets me. I am going to try to keep finding silver linings and I’m going to try to find some solutions for my life ADD, including setting up a budget, an exercise schedule, and some healthy eating tactics. I think my life needs a little bit more structure right now.

What do you do to maintain a good life balance? 

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One thought on “The Struggle

  1. So I’m going to throw my two cents in, and I know that I am “young” and that I am coming from a much different place in my life.

    I think that you are an amazingly strong person. Through the stress you go through with financial, health and over working youself you could be a grumpy unpleasant person all the time but instead you are an amazing mother and friend.

    They say it takes 28 days to break a habit, 28 days of constant unrelenting devotion. My advice would be to take things slow, don’t make big goals right away but small, achievable ones. Make yourself an ititinerary for the next week with everything you need to do broken down into days (work, gym, drs, school, what to make for dinner, when to grocery shop etc) , give yourself a daily budget that matches your itinerary. Make your daily activities and goals reasonable! And then try as hard as you can to stick to it. Tell friends you can hang out next week (and put it in your itinerary for then) and let Ana and Le Boy know your plans (include them in it). Just see what happens. If it works then do it again for the next week and so on…

    Again just a thought and if you want any help I’d be happy to!

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