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Shake Up

I’ve had numerous shake-ups about my health in the past. My body, for whatever reason, is like the body of an 80-year-old and even when I do well, which is not all that often if I’m totally honest, it still seems to want to fail me. 

This past weekend, I found myself awake at 2:00 AM with crippling back pain that had me arching and sobbing and driving my ass to the hospital to get help. I didn’t initially think it was yet another kidney stone because throughout the past 24-48 hours I’d been having intermittent back pain on both sides of my lower to mid back and not just one side, as is typical with a kidney stone. By the time that I checked in at emergency, though, the pain was definitely sticking to my left side and it was BAD. Bad enough that at a hospital where I usually wait 2-3 hours before even being seen, much less treated, I was on an IV drip of morphine less than 50 minutes after my arrival. 

I’ve had the morphine drip in the past and I very vividly recall what a sense of instant relief it was. Not this time. It definitely made the pain tolerable and it dulled it quite a bit, but I still felt like I’d been punched in the back by a heavyweight champion a time or twenty.  

Now today, Monday, I’m sitting here looking at my hands which are bruised to hell and back from my veins being blown out as they tried to put an IV in me. I feel exhausted. I am sore. I just had to pop some Advil because the back pain is either lingering or coming back. I have to go see a Urologist and I have to go get an ultrasound done to check if my kidneys are still swollen on Thursday. 

This recurrent kidney stone problem is just one of many that I have going on right now. My medication list keeps getting longer and I want to be shorter. SHORTER. 

I have to change. 

I have to stop saying that tomorrow I will do better because, guess what, tomorrow never freaking comes and I will run out of tomorrows if I don’t shape up. 

My daughter needs me and she needs me healthy. 

I had done really well at cutting back my soda intake to no more than one a day, but it has crept back up over the last month and it’s time to kick that habit to the curb again. I’ll go back to one can a day and be okay with that, though eventually I’d like it to be even less. 

I will drink at least 2 liters of water every day. That will be tough for me at first, but my kidneys need water. My skin needs water. 

The other big and immediate step for me will be limiting my carb intake. For someone who is diabetic, carbs are not my friend at all. They’re also why despite my having been training fairly heavily for the last 6-8 months I have not dropped any weight. The basic guideline for a diabetic is no more than 45 g of carbs in a snack and no more than 60 g in a meal. I will not go over those numbers anymore. 

I will worry about fat content and protein intake and more technicalities of my eating later, but I want to focus on those two immediate concerns; getting rid of soda and heavily reducing carbs. 

I’m scared. I need to fix this. 

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Overwhelmed

I get into these ruts fairly frequently. 

These ruts where I look ahead at where I want to be and I look down at where my feet seem to be glued to the ground and I can’t even fathom how long it is going to take to get to the other side of my goals. 

I look around my cramped basement suite with stuff stacked everywhere and the clutter makes me want to vomit, but I’ve purged so much already – I do not know how much more I can actually get rid of. Simple truth is that I simply need more space. And a dishwasher. Because dear lord if this stack of dishes gets much higher….  I want a house. I don’t want a huge house, but I want a nice, clean house with a spacious closet and a guest room that can double as an office for me to work in. I want a large kitchen that I can cook in with an island for friends to gather around.  I want a bathroom with double sinks and a soaker tub. 

Realistically, I will never own a home in the greater Vancouver area. The requirements to get a mortgage are far outside of anywhere that I can hope to ever be. The down payment needs to be too high and my income needs to be higher. It won’t happen for me. The best I can hope for is to be able to afford the rent on a decent-ish townhouse, maybe 3 or 4 years down the road. At least maybe then I won’t be the 30-something mom living in the 20-something’s basement, paying off their mortgage for them. 

I feel resentful that a woman who does not work (nor does she intend to) is being offered enough money to be able to maintain her home (a very nice home in a gated community, I might add) and yet she is willing to spend thousands of dollars on lawyer’s fees to try to get more. I would be so grateful to have the amount that she is being offered and to be able to stay home on top of it. I want that battle to end. So badly do I want it to end so that the kids involved (and the adults) can stop hurting and start healing, but it would seem that she doesn’t have the same goals. 

I finish school literally tonight. And I don’t know what to do with it afterwards. The obvious answer is find a job with it, but I feel so overwhelmed by the process.

I look at my fitness goals and I feel so frustrated with the long slow road to get there. Each day goes by and I look at what I ate and I gross myself out. Why is it so hard for me to eat well? I go to boot camp and I leave feeling…. like I’ve lagged behind. I’m usually the last one to finish a set of anything and the slowest runner and the most red and the most sweaty.  I go running on the trails and these people just lap me while I’m huffing and puffing along wishing it was as easy for me as it is for them. I’ve been running and exercising consistently for 6 months. I would have thought I’d have noticed something getting easier by now. Or some poundage to have come off (but that goes back to the eating thing).  

And there are the bigger things that just make me want to throw my hands up in despair. The homophobia. The misogyny. The bullying. The lack of people willing to read a book. The remarkable pessimistic attitudes of people ALL AROUND ME. And it makes me want to give up. I know that this #YesAllWomen is not going to change the world. But I WANT it to. I don’t want my daughter growing up learning to scream fire instead of rape because fire will get a reaction. I don’t want her to grow up and, if her sexuality is anything other than straight, to be slandered and judged and treated as less than equal to her straight friends and family. I don’t want her to go through school with me having to look over her online life to make sure that she is safe and not being verbally slaughtered. But I don’t see solutions to these things short of throwing her over my shoulder and inventing our own life on a private island. A private island that would also be free because again, hello, money. 

I’m tired, if that’s not apparent already. I’ve been going and going and going for the last year and I’m at the end of my tether and yet I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing for all of my time and effort. I’m no closer to a nice home. I’m no closer to my health goals and I’m further than ever from saving the world from itself. 

Where do I even go from here?