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My Drug Of Choice

I just recently finished a book called Food: The Good Girl’s Drug. If you have ever made any connection between your emotions and your eating, I would recommend reading this book.

I have come to a realization and right now I’m trying to process it. I’m trying to figure out how to cope with it and how to move forward – and to determine if I’m even ready to move forward.

I might have an eating disorder.

I might be an emotional over-eater with binge-eater components.

What does this mean? This means that my relationship with food is fucked up. It means that my body doesn’t know when it’s actually hungry because I’m pretty much always shoveling food down my gullet. It means that I hide what I’m eating to avoid commentary and because I’m embarrassed at the volume of food that I can consume and even still I get comments about my food choices because they’re so poor. It means that at this very moment I have an entire bag of chips on my desk, along with a bag of discounted Easter jellybeans and a large Diet Coke left over from my McDonald’s lunch. There are donuts in my desk drawer that I bought this morning, but haven’t eaten yet. This is normal for me. This is not normal for most people.

I know that people have been bewildered by my complete inability to shape up about food and trust me, nobody is more bewildered than I am myself. You see, for me, food is not just a poor choice – it’s literally killing me in the form of type 2 diabetes. I’ve had a major kidney infection, bladder problems, and other issues all brought on by my own choices and yet, it still has not been enough to make me change and I cannot understand WHY.

For the longest time, I thought that it was just me and my insanely weak willpower. And perhaps, that still is part of it. But reading that book made me realize that this may truly be a disorder.

Markers of binge-eating disorder that I have are: feeling out of control when eating, eating long past the feeling of being full, having extreme guilt or shame after eating, and eating more than an average person in the same situation.

I have also noticed that I sometimes have the reverse of emotional eating – I am not eating because I’m emotional, but I’m emotional ABOUT food. I recently participated in a clean eating challenge and I was crying on the first day. Like, actually crying. You guys, this was only a 7-day challenge. This was not like I had to change my life forever (which I should), but merely for 7 days and on day one, I was crying. On day three, I succumbed to temptation and made a poor food choice, I made another bigger poor choice on day four and another smaller one on day five and on day six and I pretty much didn’t even bother on day seven.

When my coworker walked by with donuts on day three, I tried to hold out. I really did. I only made it ten minutes and the guilt I felt afterwards was tremendous. Crying, berating myself, reminding myself of what a failure I am when it comes to food.

I can’t even lie and say that it has never occurred to me to purge the bad things that I eat, because while I haven’t done it, it has crossed my mind as an option because the guilt that I feel over eating sometimes is so massive.

There is a big part of me that wonders if I’m not inflating the issue. Maybe I just like crappy food and I need to acknowledge that it needs to change. I keep trying to ask people if they do some of the same behaviors that I do so that I can see if it’s normal. Is it normal to order enough food in the morning that it should be for two people- are you thinking the whole way through the lineup that you’re hoping that the workers are assuming it’s not just for you? Is it normal to think about the junk food in the cupboard at home all day at work and want to get home just so that you can eat it? Is it normal to order a fast food meal plus an extra burger or an extra side? Is it normal to cry about food?

At the end of the day, I’m still sitting here asking myself if I have an eating disorder and I don’t know the answer. I just know that my relationship with food is far more complicated than I think that it should be and I don’t know how to change it.

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Ana Watches Labyrinth

I realized the other day that Ana has never seen Labyrinth and I felt like this was almost criminal, especially in the tragic wake of David Bowie’s passing.

We somehow wound up with a block of free time yesterday and so I put the movie on. She was cracking me up with her commentary even before the opening credits finished so I decided to live tweet her viewing. She didn’t disappoint me.

Here it is in all it’s glory, with added commentary from me to help with which part of the movie she’s watching.

During the opening credits: Well. It’s beautiful music. Why is this movie taking so long to start?

When Sarah appears on screen in front of a pond/lake: Oh! See the swan? Is this The Swan Princess?

When Sarah’s in the bedroom with Toby: Why does the owl keep flying around and coming back?

When the owl is in the window: That’s a barn owl. I can tell by the face.

When the goblins first show on screen: Are those real goblins? Are they really going to take the baby!?

When Sarah goes to pull back the blanket in the crib: It’s a goblin. I know it.

When the plant/eye things follow Sarah’s movements in the labyrinth: The eyes are creepy.

When Sarah realizes the labyrinth is not as it seems and starts running: She’s really brave.

As Sarah continues to run: Yup. She’s brave.

During the famous Power Of The Babe song: Hahahaha, make him pee!

During a shot of the goblins where Toby appears in the back corner: I see the baby! Baby!

When David Bowie is tossing Toby around: The baby likes it. Right? They don’t want to HURT the baby, they just WANT the baby!

When Sarah falls down the hole with the hands helping her down to wind up at the doorless pit bottom: She’s gonna die! ‘Cause she has no food.

When Sarah comes across Ludo hanging upside down: It’s a giant squirrel! Wait, no, it’s not. What is that thing?!

When Sir Didymus announces that they cannot cross that bridge without his permission: That sounds like you.

When they encounter The Bog Of Eternal Stench: Oh, I know why it stinks! It makes fart sounds and farts stink.

When David Bowie is sending off more of his crystal balls: Bubbles! They’re bubbles!

When they’re in the city walls and Ludo calls the rocks to attack: That’s why I collect rocks So when bad people come I can pfft pfft them at the bad guys.

When she’s in the castle with the stairs that go nowhere: That’s like, a million stairs!

Final thoughts as the credits roll: Awesome! (With a fist pump). There’s that owl again…

 

Now I need to figure out what movie I’m going to subject her to next….

 

 

 

 

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Minimalism: A 1-Month Update

I was going to start this blog post with how I have failed to meet so many items on my must list, but let’s instead turn this around and think of what I actually have accomplished first before moving on to areas where I still need some work.

Here, again, is my original must list (with any additions I’ve made since then):

I must eat healthier.
I must sleep more.
I must spend my money wiser.
I must declutter my home.
I must write every day.
I must practice self-love and confidence.
I must promote kindness.
I must read every day.
I must exercise 4 times a week.
I must learn yoga.
I must spend quality time with Ana every day that I have her.
I must work towards fostering better relationships with Jer’s kids every time I see them.
I must relearn the piano.
I must read every day. I read 15 books in the month of September. Yes, a lot of them were Young Adult which is maybe a bit shorter than a typical adult book, but that’s still 15 books finished so yes, I will say that I read every day.
I must spend quality time with Ana every day that I have her. I think I did alright on this one. I still need to set down my phone more, for sure, but I have been making a conscious effort to redirect my attention to her when she’s around. She’s important and the most valuable part of my life and I need to make sure that she knows that and is treated accordingly. How can I say that she’s the most important thing to me when I can’t set my phone down for 2 seconds to talk to her? That’s hardly fair.
I must work towards fostering better relationships with Jer’s kids every time I see them. We had a bit of a rough weekend, but there was some discussion about setting up some games or some challenges to help improve our interactions and to try to curb some of the problems that we have. This is a work in progress, but any progress is something.
I must declutter my home. I had a ginormous pile of shit in my living room for a month. I had filled over a dozen boxes of knick-knacks, dishes, books, toys, clothes, and all sorts of junk. I hosted a Passion Party and let my girlfriends rifle through it and take whatever they wanted and that made a dent in the pile. I was going to hold a garage sale later this month, but I couldn’t handle staring at it any longer and Jeremy was tired of hearing me sigh and look at the pile with contempt so we packed it all up into his truck and donated it. Gone. I sold a few things and I have a few more items listed on Craigslist that will be out the door as soon as i can get them gone. I still have a ways to go. I still definitely have way too much stuff, but it was a good dent and I’ll keep looking for more things that I can remove. I also noticed that I didn’t buy things I might have purchased previously. I was in Whistler for the weekend and saw a great set of coasters and I picked it up only to set it back down again with the thought, I don’t need this in my house. If I can keep that attitude up, it will go a long ways towards keeping my home clutter-free as well as helping me out financially.
I must promote kindness. I feel like, in general, I’m a kind person so I don’t know that this is much of a challenge, but I know that there need to be changes in a much bigger way. For example, I was sent a link to a series of pictures of prom pictures gone bad and while I giggled at a few of them, I stopped looking a few pictures in. Here’s why. There are real people, doing their thing, who are now being mocked by people who have never met them. Also? The commentary on the slideshow was horribly anti-women and I cringed more than once at the attitude of a girl not being able to wear a revealing dress or a woman having no self-respect. People-shaming in general needs to stop. Yeah, ok, so some of these people maybe don’t act or dress like your average human. Why does that matter? Why are we taking enjoyment in blasting their pictures all over the internet and making fun of them in practically the most public manner possible? As much as possible, I want to avoid the People Of Walmart-style humor. It’s just not that funny when you’re standing in front of the real person.
I must eat healthier. And here’s where my musts really start to derail. Yeah. Not so much. Still need to work on this. I have an inbox full of recipes from one of my besties and I need to meal plan and I need to focus. I say this all the time and I never do it… so I need to figure out what’s going to make it stick.
I must sleep more. If falling asleep on the couch last night and waking up 2 hours later overheated and confused about where I was counts, then sure. Nope. Stick to your bedtime, Courtney, your body will thank you.
I must spend my money wiser. I’m still in a bit of a position where I haven’t had a ton of extra money to spend, but I can already think of a few huge expenses that I should have avoided. That’s alright. Live and learn and keep on trucking. As I mentioned previously, I am hopeful that my I don’t need this in my house attitude will be of assistance in keeping my wallet stashed in my purse.
I must write every day. I was doing well at this for a while and then it fell by the wayside. I still haven’t written in my private journal since I returned from Indonesia and that certainly needs to be remedied. Even if I’m not posting here, I should be writing somewhere.
I must practice self-love and confidence. I find it very interesting how my brain works. I completed Mudderella, as I posted previously, and dude, I felt like such a freaking badass afterward. It was incredible. What a high. Then the next day I was sore, which, fine, I expected that.  Then on Monday my foot was SO sore and really swollen and I was limping. I had it looked at and apparently I somehow managed to get an infection. I was really angry with my body. I felt let-down. I felt, as I so often do, that my body is failing me. It’s just now, as I’m sitting here writing this, that I’m thinking that no. My body has NOT failed me. My body went over walls and through pipes and down slides and HIKED A MOUNTAIN. My body did pretty incredible. Injury shminjury. It’ll heal and I’ll get back to work and I’ll eat better and my body will bounce back and continue to climb mountains and do feats I didn’t know it could do.
I must exercise 4 times a week. I’m still pretty good at the 3 days a week, I need to up my game and get to 4. I am signing up for a half-marathon in June so adding regular runs into my schedule will be a good way to meet this goal. As soon as my foot is healed.
I must learn yoga. I did 8 days of the 30-Day Yoga Challenge and then I fell off the wagon. I still have all the videos and I think when I get back from being away this weekend that I am going to start over from Day 1 and just get back to it. I was really enjoying the videos.
I must relearn the piano. I’m kinda laughing as I read this because I have made zero moves towards this must, but that’s okay. I have a lot on my plate and it will come.
So that’s where I’m at. I have a lot of work yet to do, but I have accomplished quite a bit in the last month and I’m ready to keep tackling these goals of mine.
Where are YOU in YOUR minimalist journey?
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My Mudderella Journey

This is gonna be a long one, guys. Just giving you a heads up right now. This journey from registration to completion was an amazing experience and it deserve a lot of words.

I signed up to do Mudderella way back in March, when September 26 seemed a far and distant date. I had an abundance of time to train and to bond with my teammates and to be full on prepared for this crazy not-a-race event that I had signed myself up for.

While I had my reservations, I never entertained the thought of pulling out. That just wasn’t an option for me. I’ve done plenty of other stupid things without training for them (like 60 miles, or 100 km, over 3 days in the name of breast cancer research), but this one was right up there with holy scary as hell.

About a month ago, I started to feel a smidge of panic. I hadn’t done anything more than my standard workouts which, while nothing to shake a head at, weren’t exactly making me feel up to the task of this insanity.

Then, a week before the event, I just felt calm about it. I figured I’d stick with the team and if I needed to pass an obstacle, I would. I would do the best I could and enjoy the experience. Perhaps some of that had to do with my heightening anxiety over who I was meeting and when and where I was supposed to meet them.

The morning of Mudderella I woke up bright and early. I got dressed in the clothes that I’d laid out the night before, still waffling over whether or not I was going to wear my sweatshirt. I knew I was going to get warm as I moved and I also knew that the sweatshirt was going to weigh a million pounds by the time that I got truly wet and muddy, but…. the rest of my gear was long pants and a tank top and this was Whistler mountain at the butt crack of dawn – also known as COLD. Whistler did get its first snowfall just a few short weeks prior.

I hopped in my cab and met up with a few girls at their hotel and then we wandered over to the gondola and met up with a few more crew members before taking the gondola up to Mudderella village. It was hard not to feel excited with the music pumping and the grins on faces all around and the costumes. (For the record, we were the SDLHC Dirty Divas and we had matching tank tops and crowns.) We milled around for a bit (and by we, I mean our team of 10-11 people) and then checked our bags (including my sweatshirt) and headed for the starting line.

A brief speech later about watching out for bears (??) and a reminder not to selfie with a bear should we stumble upon one (??), we were off! I should note that friends of a friend did the course a few hours later than us and did, in fact, see bears despite our thoughts that all the noise we were making would keep most of the wildlife away.

We trudged uphill and through some woods and up more hills and around some corners and there we were at the first obstacle, Surprise Party, a muddy slope that drops you into a muddy water filled pit with hidden holes to make for surprise dips. I have a real aversion to cold water and it was only about 5 degrees at this point, but, I was here for the adventure so… up and over! It was cold. It was muddy. It was exhilarating. And hey, the cold water actually numbed my legs so that only my upper half was cold now!

The next stretch was the most difficult and it was the only part where I questioned whether or not I was going to be able to go on. I was SO cold. I couldn’t lift my arms above my shoulders. It was POURING RAIN and each raindrop was feeling like a needle hitting my skin. I couldn’t curl my fingers as they were so numb. I was MISERABLE. Oh, and also? This part of the course was literally hiking 3K straight up the bloody mountain. Where people usually take the gondola. And while I had told myself earlier that I could just do my best and if I had to skip stuff, I could? I wasn’t feeling so hot about skipping anything at this point because I was here and I wanted to do it all and be proud of having done it all… so I was cold and angry about that, too!

Eventually our group, now separated into a few smaller groups, made it to the top of the hill and the rain even came to a stop. I still had no feeling in most of my extremities, but my mood was shifting with the weather and with the returning sensation in my fingertips.

The next obstacle at the top of the mountain was making our way across some balance beams. I sometimes find it a challenge to stand on a normal floor, so I felt relieved that the beams weren’t super high off the ground. I actually managed to make my way all the way across without falling!

A short distance later we came upon a wall to climb. It was a smallish wall with footholds and we hurdled it pretty easily and kept moving on.

We kept on trekking and came up to our 4th obstacle, Down To The Wire. There were wooden beams and stretches of wire about waist high and about 1-2 feet of squelchy mud underneath and the only way through was going under the wires. I had expected, based on the pictures, to have to crawl through this one, but the cords were actually high enough that by standing sideways, bending and ducking, we were able to get through without having to put our knees to the ground. This was one of the 2 muddiest obstacles on the course and I feel lucky I didn’t actually lose a shoe. The last stretch under the wires was mud and water. I had mud caked up to my knees by the time that I left that obstacle.

We hit up some more trails, this time all downhill which was a huge relief. We came out of a break in the woods to find our next obstacle, Skinny Jeans, which was crawling through huge pipes to wind up in 2-3 feet of muddy water at the bottom. I thought I’d slip right through the pipe, but it was actually a little hard to get movement so I had to inchworm my way through and, yes, the water at the bottom was SO COLD.

Next obstacle was Dirty Downward Dog. There was a series of ditches and in order to get across them you had to downward dog yourself so you were tenting over the ditch and then clamber sideways across. As long as you kept your hands off any sharp rocks this was easy. As a side note, if I do this again, I’m wearing gloves of some sort. The rocks on a couple different obstacles hurt and also, cold. So take my advice and wear gloves if you do a Mudderella or an event like it.

We were tossed back into the woods at this point and kept on moving downhill. One of my teammates was having a hard time keeping a grip on the downhills and kept sliding in her shoes. My knees took a good beating and I never thought I’d have said it, but I was actually wishing for some uphill!

A much-needed hydration break and potty break came up next and then another short little obstacle, I’ve Got Your Back, where you piggyback a teammate halfway across a stretch and then switch and they piggyback you. I jumped on my teammates back and off we went, but she didn’t want to switch at the halfway point and just lugged me the rest of the way across. Lots of giggles ensued.

At this point we had a pretty good hustle going on. While it still wasn’t super warm, we were at least comfortable and not freezing our asses off. We’d found a good rhythm and we were tackling these obstacles.

Up ahead we could hear shrieks and laughter and we rounded the corner to find Ain’t No Mountain High – a series of mud piles with water filled trenches between them. You had to climb over the mud pile and slide into the pool of water – a sign in front of the challenge warned us to close our eyes before sliding into the water. Up and down we went, sinking as deep as waist deep into the water and then scrambling up the next mini-mountain to do it again. While the water in some of the previous obstacles had washed off a lot of the mud, we just had it coated all over us again  – mainly on our asses as we slid down!

The challenges were coming on quickly as we were approaching the last quarter of the course. We had to crawl underneath a heavy cargo net, nearly losing our crowns in the process. I had expected there to be mud under the net, but there wasn’t so we stayed relatively clean.

Through some more walls and we broke out to find another, much taller wall, Tough Ta-Ta’s. This one was a bit nerve-wracking because of its height and because it required the use of a rope to help get up it. My hands, while much improved from earlier, were still pretty cold and I wasn’t sure how my grip was going to hold up. My teammate and I briefly glanced at each other and around the side like we considered going around, but I had to at least try so we both grabbed onto ropes and up we went. At one point I was pretty sure I was going to fall backwards and smack my head on the ground, but I held on tight and used the footholds and then I was at the top and climbing over. I don’t know if I have ever felt so good as when I was back on the right side of that wall.

The course at this point was mostly flat with just a few small hills and dips and again, it was only short distance before our 2nd to last obstacle – the Wheels In Motion. This one was a series of hanging tires that you had to get across. It was a lot harder than it looked as the tires were all different sizes and some tipped as you stepped and some didn’t. I fell the first time, but made it all the way across on my second attempt. I was giggling like a fool.

And then. Then we came upon the grand finale, Hat Trick. You climb up a cargo net and you sit on the top of a slide and whooooosh, down you go into a pit of water. See, I have this thing against my face getting wet. I know, it’s weird, but I do. I climbed that net. I stood at the top and it was HIGH. It was realllllly high up, guys. The announcer said to not lean back, cross your arms across your chest and 1, 2, 3 and I was off and that thing LAUNCHES you. I flew ass over teakettle (in one picture you can see my feet and my head at equal heights as my ass hits the water first) and under. I sucked in a ton of water and heaved myself gasping to the side and then realized…. I DID IT. That was it! The final obstacle! The finish line was straight ahead!

In approximately 3 hours and 15 minutes (give or take a few), we completed the Mudderella course. We got our victory headbands and our t-shirts and some much-needed beef jerky. Because I’m super emotional like that, I almost cried getting my headband.

I am SO proud of what my team and I accomplished. I am so PROUD that I was able to do that and now it has me all inspired to do bigger and better things. Next up is a half-marathon in San Diego next June and then? I think I’m signing up for Tough Mudder, y’all. Also in June, also in Whistler.

So here’s to challenges. Here’s to doing things you never thought yourself capable of. Here’s to moving on to bigger and better accomplishments and here’s to always improving.

Go Dirty Divas!

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Chasing A Dream

I’ve had a little fantasy, for as long as I can remember, about owning my own small used bookstore. I’ve always considered it as something that I would do if I struck it big one day.

I’ve always grown up around bookstores. My first job was at a Crown Books (I don’t think they exist anymore, at least not on the west coast). Then I worked at a Barnes & Noble for awhile. I usually have the closest bookstore locked in my brain and I frequent it often.

In my current living spot I have a chain bookstore not too far away and, my favorite place to go de-stress, a tiny little cramped used bookstore just a short drive away.

I was contacted by that small lovely bookstore a couple of weeks ago as they were advising me that they’re closing and I was heartbroken. The store isn’t the nicest – the shelves are double and triple stacked and it can be hard to find things. There isn’t any place to sit and browse… but it smelled like books and magic and it was one of my comfort spots.

There are no other used bookstores in my city. There are a few in neighboring cities, but that’s the only one close. It’s gotten me thinking. What if it was ME behind the counter of a cute little bookstore with personality? It has my mind whirling about possibilities and about what I’d love to see in a dream bookstore.

In my perfect bookstore there would be huge comfy chairs that you can sink into to read. There would be an area for authors to come and speak or read or for open mic nights to happen. There would be the scent of hot chocolate and baked goodies coming from the coffee bar. There might be cats. I picture myself behind a counter and chatting about books with happy customers. And I want it. I want it so badly.

Most of me recognizes that this is just a dream. That a used bookstore is no way to make a living in today’s world of internet sales and big chain bookstores. But there’s still a piece of me that clings to that dream and wonders… can I make it happen? Can I mix up that recipe for success and find a way to make my living within my passion?

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Operation: Bucket List

Back in July of 2013 I posted a tentative bucket list. Here’s the list, with updates.

1) Stand in Athens.

2) Bunjee jump.

3) Ride a horse along a beach.

4) Have a bedroom with a chandelier in it.

5) Be debt free.

6) Do the Grouse Grind. This one may kill me because I hate stairs and there’s 2,830 of them.  Accomplished. And accomplished again. And again. Done in 2 hours, then 2 hours and 20 minutes and then in 1 hour and 40 minutes. (Those are actually really slow times, but what the hell, I did it.)

7) Run a 5K.  Accomplished x2 with a 10K-ish obstacle mud run coming up later this month.

8) Go geo-caching.  Accomplished. Only once, for a night-time cache, but it was super fun and I’d happily do it again if I can find the time for it.

9) Stay in a hut over the water in some tropical location.  Accomplished-ish? The hut wasn’t over the water, but it was on the beach and it was freaking BALI, so… we’re going to go with accomplished with the intention of repeating.

10) Edit my book to the point that I would be willing to let people see it.

Not too shabby for 2 years, no? Now to knock a few more things off the list and to maybe add a few more things to it.

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Lover Of Books, Distressed With The World

If you know me at all, you know that I am a book lover. I read voraciously and with great passion. I read from a wide variety of genres and I love to talk books.  I have always been like this. Growing up, I used to spend every Thanksgiving at my cousins’ house. It was one of the few times that we saw them each year and it was inevitable that you would find me secreted away in one of their rooms or up in their loft devouring one of their books. It wasn’t that I was antisocial, it was just that the siren call of a book I hadn’t read was far too loud and off I’d disappear. I’d easily finish a book over the course of the day. I was not only into reading, but I was INTO reading. You could not get my attention if I was reading. My entire family up and walked out of a restaurant once, leaving me sitting at the table, deep into my book, not even noticing that they had left until several minutes later when panic ensued.

I say all of this to say that book are one of my true and great passions and that is what makes the three news stories that I am about to share so distressing to me.

Story Number One:  The cops are called on a teenager giving away free books. At a free book giveaway event.  The gist of the story is that a book, Sherman Alexie’s The Absolutely True Diary Of A Part-Time Indian, was banned from a school. The students opposing this signed a petition to have it reinstated and somebody crowdfunded an effort that resulted in a free copy of the book to anybody who signed the petition.  So, books come in, teens go to hand it out AND A PARENT CALLS THE COPS. This is definitely an instance of the teenager being far more wise than the adult. According to the article, even the cops were not entirely clear as to why they had been called out. The only good thing I can take away from this is that all the exposure prompted the amount of free books being given away to be doubled. Grow up, adults. Banning a book only makes it more desirable, don’t ya know?

Story Number Two:  It was requested that Hop On Pop, by Dr. Seuss, be banned from the Toronto Public Library for its violent content.  You do not even know how much I wish I could say I was kidding, but this is a real thing that really happened. Apparently, according to the person who submitted the request (as well as several other almost as ridiculous), the book encourages young children to abuse their fathers by jumping on them and, thus, should be banned. (Forget that the book also says to please STOP hopping on pop….).  The library maintains that the book is just fine and has left it on the shelves. Glad somebody has some sense still….

Story Number Three:  I have no link for this despite much searching. I was listening to the radio the other day and there was a big discussion about what ranks in the top hobbies these days. Unsurprisingly, video games rated the list, as did arts and crafts and exercise. I have to admit that I was very surprised (and dismayed) to hear that reading did not make the cut of the top 15 hobbies and yet, AND YET, LEGO DID.  Yes, Lego was in the top 15 hobbies OF ADULTS, but reading did not make it.

And now I need to go hug a book. Or jump off a cliff. I’m undecided.